The Wagner Post

solitude

2011-08-04T15:44:00.000-07:00

The girls are at YW camp this week. Karl and John are at Soccer camp for two more hours. Laundry, dishes, etc are running or done... now what!? oh yes.. i'm SUPPOSED to be preparing a seminary lesson, and yet, i'm on the computer! lol... it would seem that constant crazy is a far better motivator than peace and quiet!

Who Knew!?

okay. Off to study .. no, really i'm going to go study... now.

Sexual Abuse

2011-08-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

For a few days now (years really if you look at the big picture) i have mulled over a painful situation, that is shared by millions of women and men around the world.

Molestation, sexual abuse, rape of a minor.. whatever term you choose to give it, it boils down to the disintegration of a young life. Recently i was asked why i even cared, "unless of course there was penetration - was there?" First of all, a big, "None of your business" was given, and then i felt it necessary to ask if it would matter to this person, had it been their son or daughter, or their niece/nephew, or grand-daughter/son?" The answer was yes, but only for prosecutorial purposes, they then realized that the pain, recovery, emotional baggage, etc. was all the same.

Some are abused by their mothers, some their fathers, uncles, neighbors, church members, leaders, and some by strangers. Some live in horrific silence, some never come home again. Very few actually tell someone, and of those very few ever see the offending victimizer pay for their crime. What's worse, is that because it's such a scarlet letter, it is often hushed up, counseling paid for (or even worse - no counseling at all), and the issue forgotten by every one but the victim.

I live my life as a healthy adult. I survived, i'm stronger, i will not ever continue the cycle, and my children have an amazing mom because of the woman i've become. I have chosen to make my trauma, an instigator for my faith and my strengths. BUT, i have also been blessed with friends, and a husband who support and love me, who have seen me go through several years, when my trauma did not cause anything of good value. They've found me beating and bruising my head against a concrete floor, getting drunk until i couldn't remember the previous week, held me as i cried endless tears, and watched me host pity-parties to rival any frat house bash.

Healing takes time. A lot of it. Anger, Rebellious behavior, loss and regaining of faith, loss and regaining of trust, loss of happiness, and the re-discovery of Joy... these are all necessary.

A very dear and wonderful friend of mine is now going through the anger and rebellion. It is painful to see her tear her world apart, trying to find happiness in places that will ultimately lead to further pain, it is almost a self punishing act that adult survivors go through.. Like if we shun all the good things we were when we were assaulted, then we will be free of why it hurts so badly. It's not what will make us feel better, but the mind is a funny thing, and healing is never perfect.

In her case (and many others), the cover ups are just as painful as the original trauma. Because those she trusted failed her. The people in her life, who were supposed to protect her, and punish him, chose to protect him, and allowed him to walk away and abuse others.

Her pain and anger are palpable, and the last few days i have cried for her, and prayed for her, felt immense frustration at her situation, and confusion at the ability of full grown adults to minimize the pain of children.

Mostly this post's purpose is to educate. If you are an adult, you must recognize that the parts of your child hood you DON'T forget are often the most painful. The parts of your childhood that were most painful, were more than likely caused by an adult, who knew better, and for selfish reasons of their own, did it any way.. or did not know better, and no one stopped them.

I am begging you to stand up. to put a stop to it. There is no cure for pedophelia. NONE. there is no medication. There is no amount of repentance that takes away their desires. There is nothing but the law to stop them, or death. And since it is in our humanity to incarcerate and not kill sexual predators, then the law must be enforced. The part of the equation that gets missed, and furthers the pain of the victims is when the law is not enforced, or given the opportunity to do so.

If you get the feeling something's wrong, or just not right; if at any time a child has the courage to tell you that something is wrong, or not right, the authorities should be called. no question. no doubt. no second guessing. Pedophiles come in every shape, size, denomination, class, color, creed, breed, and race. It could be your cousin, your brother, your sister, your mayor, your home teacher, your bishop, your priest, your pastor, your neighbor, your life long friend. It could be any one, any time, any where.

Any child who can tell you that something has happened, needs help. Any child that is out of sorts and can not find the words to tell you what has happened, needs help.

My friend, and millions of men and women in the world, is (are) living to see their victimizers go forth in the world spreading their poison. They have to live with it and see it, and can do nothing because the statute of limitations has run out, and no one believes them now. Where were these adults in their childhoods? Where were their protectors then? Where were the leaders to hold those victimizers accountable? and just as importantly where are they now?

If i compared this to drunk driving.. we would all agree that a person who has had alcohol is committing a crime by taking their keys and driving a vehicle. How about the person that gave them their keys? Are they not accountable for not preventing the likely injury and/or homicide to follow? Or how about murders with illegal weapons. Certainly we hold the person who fired the weapon responsible for murder, but what of the accountability for those that did not run the back ground check, before they took the money and put a weapon in their hands?

It all boils down to choice. Forgive or don't. Grow up or don't. Report it or don't.

And every choice has a consequence, and one choice does not negate another. A person who is forgiven, still has to pay for their crime, or justice is not served. A person who serves their time, will still need to repent, or mercy can not be served, and change will not happen.

If you choose not to protect the defenseless, you choose to allow sin, and vain ambition, and pain to rain down upon our planet. If you choose to let the offender walk away with out remorse or justice, then you choose to allow generations of untold victims, in a cycle of betrayal, pain, abuse, and torture.

The woes of this world were not caused by one man. The woes of this world were caused by men and women who stand by and watch, and choose to do nothing.

It is not my place to judge, or to punish, of that i am well aware. That place is God's, and His alone. But in the mean time, more suffering occurs. suffering that could have been prevented. To my friend's mother, bishop, home teacher, school teachers, and family; Shame on you. Shame on you for not listening to her. Shame on you for furthering her pain. Shame on you for being ignorant and selfish. Shame on you for taking a man's word for it, instead of calling the police and allowing them to investigate for the truth. Shame on you. Shame on you for not protecting the helpless. Shame on you for taking the easy route, and allowing peer fear to affect your choices. Shame on you for making a child feel like garbage, worthless, dirty, unloved and unwanted.

Shame on you. You could have prevented it. You chose.

To my friends (who i'm sure will read this eventually) I love you. You each are one of many men and women who have suffered, and continue to do so. I hope that my words are solace to you, that they bring some amount of relief, of affirmation.

To those of my friends who were never victims, i beg of you to stand up for those who were. it is never a child's fault. IT IS NEVER A CHILD'S FAULT! And someday that child will be an adult, what kind of adult they become is up to us. Will we protect them, guide them, and prove the goodness of humanity to them? Or will we shun them, feed them to the monsters, and tell them to chin up and deal with it?

To those of my friends who are in leadership positions; the law is on your side, use it! Call DHS, CPS, The local Police, The anonymous hotlines, what ever it takes until someone listens, and investigates. CALL SOMEONE! if you are a teacher, a bishop, a pastor, a neighbor, if you are an adult who has presence in the life of a child, and you choose to ignore the signs, you are choosing to allow pain, you are choosing to put the desires of an adult over the needs of a child. No one wants to be embarrassed... too bad. No one wants to be the one who calls it in if they're wrong - but guess what ? If you are even thinking about it - you are probably right.

IT IS NEVER THE CHILD'S FAULT. CALL SOMEONE. CHOOSE TO PROTECT.

Thank you.... to facebook?

2011-07-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

This is the phrase I began with, "I don't have time for facebook... what is that any way?" and that is how it all started!

'Near as I can guess it's a similar hook for every one, then someone tells you ~ you can keep in touch with family! you can find your high school buddies! you can find out what happened to so, and so!!! and so, you sign in, set up, and search for a little while. Most of us left it alone at that point, thinking it was interesting... but the emails came! emails telling us we had FRIENDS..oooooh.

LOL... then you say, I'm using this to keep in touch... no time for games. Then these FRIENDS send you invites.. and there are only so many dozens you can ignore, before you wonder, what is so great about all this? ugh. You are reeled in like a hungry snapper and before you know it, trapped, because these games then help you feel invested, and needed. One that grabbed me (and I'll own that with my leg in a cast and above my heart there was not much else to do!) was Knighthood! I built a city, then an empire, they made me a duchess.. WOW! I can laugh now, but there were players that had designated RL (real life) and KH(knighthood) as separate entities, had online weddings... co-ordinated battle strikes with people all over the world. You feel involved, and needed, and everyone is kind, there's never a reason for any one to show malice... unless they are the enemy!

And this is where I bumped into a life example.. a learning moment. My question had been, what makes this all so great? And the answer is, stress free - unconditional love. RL is full of stress - it's supposed to be! That's what gives us our learning curve. We all love someone, and we should love ourselves as well... but do we give kudos, and smileys and job well dones to those we love, with out derogatory comments, when we're frustrated? How do we treat those who live in our RL? And how do we expected to be treated by those in our RL? Those two questions would have been a weird mixture of foreign language and concepts for me, only 3 years ago... and now they are life altering.

My new daily questions for myself are; "How am i treating those I love today and every day, how are those I love treating me today?" and "Am I contributing to life in a way that makes it positive, uplifting and joyful for myself and those around me?"

Funny... I somehow thought I was doing those things before, and perhaps I was, but not with the clarity that I pursue them now. So.. begrudgingly (lol) I thank you facebook, for backhandedly helping me take a few steps away from you, and paying attention to those who are actually present in my life!

That said.. am also grateful for time on FB to connect with family who are far away, friends who've moved away, or i've moved away from, and people who never spoke to me in HS but suddenly show a keen interest in being 'friends' :)

The beauty of Fall...

2011-07-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

There are many ways to interpret that phrase... and i've bumped into a few today!

Scripturally~ The fall of Adam, provided a way for the atonement to come to pass, for us to have the beautiful choice between right and wrong. The fall of Adam, his choice to take pain and punishment, "that man might be" is such a beautiful gift! Thank you Father Adam, for taking the anguish of mortality, to provide a way for us all to follow in your footsteps. Yours was the first step towards our humanity, and thus our progression towards our Heavenly Father! this is a simplified look at it, but it is what is in my heart this morning.

Seasonally~ The fall is an opportunity (as are all seasons) for renewal. The leaves begin to turn color, the air cleanses it's self and becomes crisp and clear. "The smell of scotch tape and sharpened pencils" (- LOVE THAT MOVIE) A new beginning for education, a return from vacation and the opportunities to accomplish more this winter than last. Still barely warm earth is dug and mulched, bulbs for the spring are planted.. and even as the frost sets in, there is new life beginning 5 to 8 inches under the earth's surface. Earth worms are steadily turning the soil and mixing in the nutrients needed... long before spring's first breath of air, the beauty has begun to be created. Frost in the early morning begin's to lace the windows, and every morning, I get to enjoy the company of 20 or so amazing people, the future leaders of our world, our country, of the Lord's church.

Stumbling~ I am constantly falling..... but what i'm talking about here is my trophy winning clumsiness.... by trophies i mean the collection of crutches, braces, boots, wraps, bandages, ice packs, and narcotics created by my ability to trip, stumble, fall, bump, crash, and bumble my way through life... the more stressed I get, the worse it becomes! Every joint on the right side of my body has been pulled, strained, dislocated and/ or broken.. at least once. Plus a few on my left :)

Sentiment~ Love happens all around us all the time... but falling in love, is a rare thing. That wonderful feeling of carefree devotion, a disregard for the past, and an adoration of what the future could hold.. especially with that one person! I fall in love with my husband again on a regular basis - this is a good thing ! neither of us are perfect, and we each need forgiving on a regular basis... so falling in love again, and finding a way to be blind , if even for a moment, to eachothers failings, is a wonderful blessing.

These are my thoughts on falling today. Thank you for reading my ramblings.

The blue bird stalker

2010-05-24T05:10:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to read older posts, when i am finally gifted with time to blog again... so this is the interesting tid bit i've been wanting to share.

oh.. update first... The family is all here, we are under one roof. I am working, my children (atleast for two more weeks) are all in school, and my husband has found temporary work to help with the bills, etc. YAY! I am working on adjusting my attitude towards grattitude and joy, and edging away from the ungrateful bad attitude i have carried around.. (Thank you to my sister for the epiphany on that one!)

So.. Mr. Blue bird... A couple months ago, i was at a wonderful place in Hot Springs AR called, "The Wild Bird Store" amazing place. A blue bird house was purchased and they installed the copper shield for me.. (blue birds are very picky btb... ) A few days later i spotted a blue bird on the fence... grabbed my husband and showed him, and with in half an hour the blue bird house was up on it's post and waiting. The most amazing things is that less than an hour later that bird was filling it up and making a next so he could go courtin' The next day his bride arrived, and now we here hungry little birds every time momma shows up with a worm.

One of the funnier moments happened when Mr. Blue Bird decided to be dead beat dad for a few hours... the guy was sitting on a fence about 12 yards away, singing, and carrying on... fully enjoying the sprinkler and the sunshine. The whole time Momma blue bird is cautiously leaving the house, running out for "groceries" and running back again. after about 3 to 4 hours of this constant working and his lazyness... i saw her perch up on top of the house and call to him. he chirped back... and she called again... you could almost see the slump in his wings.. as he trudged back over to the house. then the tweeting REALLY took off... she bird cussed him up one side and down the other.... two chirps from him and then he was off getting worms... bringing them to her on the roof and then she took them to the babies. GO MOMMA BLUE BIRD! i was impressed, my husband was chagrinned and my children were duly entertained. it was awesome.

Okay... so a couple weeks ago (i think right after the babies were born) daddy blue bird started coming to the windows. now we all thought, (including the experts at the Wild Bird Store) that he could see his reflection and was being protective. We all started to notice however, that the bird did not attack the glass, but would sit and watch. If i changed rooms so did the Daddy Blue Bird. In fact, i woke up from a nap one day to find him staring at me!

If i go out side he now follows me... and will tweet quite vehemently at me if the bird feeders are empty.

We are enchanted by these lovely birds. And are discovering new lovely birds every day.

We have seen (And identified.. cuz we've seen ALOT of birds here)

Indigo Bunting (male and female)

5 or 6 different finches including a bright yellow one (male and female)

Cardinals (male and female... oooh the females are very colorful here btb)

4 or 5 kinds of wood peckers

blue herons

crows (dur)

owls

hawks

canada geese (I still say it's candian when it's plural, but my daughter's teacher says otherwise)

Oh.. i just saw the time.. must go to work... will post again soon!

CIAO!

my first real post. no spell check, no great grammar, but here it is :)

2010-02-01T07:16:00.001-08:00

Today I am missing my family. The air is crisp and clear, there's a little snow left on the ground (which my adventurous children would spend hours trying to convince it to shape into an igloo or snowman), hot chocolate, cuddling and winter stories from mine and my husbands child hoods would fill today.

But they are in California, enduring an earthquake that rattled the house this morning ( a 5.0 18 miles from the house) woke my husband from a deep sleep (which is a miracle in it's self) and caused my showering daughter no small concern. Every one is okay, but we are missing each other. We are all striving for the day we can be together again, following the eternal plan in micro mode i suppose.

There is so very much to do, and so little time to do it in, and everything is so extremely interdependent on everything and every one around us, that for all the pieces to fall into place seems nigh impossible.

I made a list yesterday (because lists usually help me focus and relax) and by page three it was just too overwhelming. I don't know how we'll do it. We have to, there are no other options, and so there must be a way, this i am sure of but the how, wheres, and whys all pile up and overtake my sense of well being.

well since this blog is mine, and blogs are meant to be an outlet for build up of emotional steam, it will now commence to billow forth.

I don't want to spend the rest of my mortality indebted to every one i know. i don't want to spend my children's youth at work in an office far away from their faces. i don't want to live where people look down their nose at you for speaking properly, and consider every personal failing a delightful topic for their next gossip brunch, where women consider a married man fair game, and men enjoy a "good ol boys club" that makes a gossiping gaggle of women look like cream pie in comparison! Where they thump the bible and despise their neighbor, where bugs and humidity are everywhere. and the list could go on for a long time, yet here i am, because this is where our family can live.

And more than what i don't want... what i DO want is for my children, my husband, and i to be under one roof.

now of course the words fail me. i type and delete. type and delete.

what do you share when you can blurt out any old thing? it kind of takes the vehemence out of the whole situation.

type and delete.

maybe i will try again tomorrow. but i can say that the effort was made today :) and tomorrow will be better!

Welcome! I am soooo new to this!

2008-09-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

all right, this site is now officially under construction, thank you to Jill, for the idea.. it's awesome! we have one on myspace(don't know how to delete it) .

Still trying to get the slide show to work, but if it doesn't pan out, i will add photos.

so.. to my post... today the kids are all in school, John has a job, and i am working partime for the school district YEAH!!!!

I just finished a painting that will be given away as a door prize for Border's Brisingr Party on Friday at midnight. It was beautiful, and hopefully i will be able to get a pic of it from Borders. (our camera has died)