For a few days now (years really if you look at the big picture) i have mulled over a painful situation, that is shared by millions of women and men around the world.
Molestation, sexual abuse, rape of a minor.. whatever term you choose to give it, it boils down to the disintegration of a young life. Recently i was asked why i even cared, "unless of course there was penetration - was there?" First of all, a big, "None of your business" was given, and then i felt it necessary to ask if it would matter to this person, had it been their son or daughter, or their niece/nephew, or grand-daughter/son?" The answer was yes, but only for prosecutorial purposes, they then realized that the pain, recovery, emotional baggage, etc. was all the same.
Some are abused by their mothers, some their fathers, uncles, neighbors, church members, leaders, and some by strangers. Some live in horrific silence, some never come home again. Very few actually tell someone, and of those very few ever see the offending victimizer pay for their crime. What's worse, is that because it's such a scarlet letter, it is often hushed up, counseling paid for (or even worse - no counseling at all), and the issue forgotten by every one but the victim.
I live my life as a healthy adult. I survived, i'm stronger, i will not ever continue the cycle, and my children have an amazing mom because of the woman i've become. I have chosen to make my trauma, an instigator for my faith and my strengths. BUT, i have also been blessed with friends, and a husband who support and love me, who have seen me go through several years, when my trauma did not cause anything of good value. They've found me beating and bruising my head against a concrete floor, getting drunk until i couldn't remember the previous week, held me as i cried endless tears, and watched me host pity-parties to rival any frat house bash.
Healing takes time. A lot of it. Anger, Rebellious behavior, loss and regaining of faith, loss and regaining of trust, loss of happiness, and the re-discovery of Joy... these are all necessary.
A very dear and wonderful friend of mine is now going through the anger and rebellion. It is painful to see her tear her world apart, trying to find happiness in places that will ultimately lead to further pain, it is almost a self punishing act that adult survivors go through.. Like if we shun all the good things we were when we were assaulted, then we will be free of why it hurts so badly. It's not what will make us feel better, but the mind is a funny thing, and healing is never perfect.
In her case (and many others), the cover ups are just as painful as the original trauma. Because those she trusted failed her. The people in her life, who were supposed to protect her, and punish him, chose to protect him, and allowed him to walk away and abuse others.
Her pain and anger are palpable, and the last few days i have cried for her, and prayed for her, felt immense frustration at her situation, and confusion at the ability of full grown adults to minimize the pain of children.
Mostly this post's purpose is to educate. If you are an adult, you must recognize that the parts of your child hood you DON'T forget are often the most painful. The parts of your childhood that were most painful, were more than likely caused by an adult, who knew better, and for selfish reasons of their own, did it any way.. or did not know better, and no one stopped them.
I am begging you to stand up. to put a stop to it. There is no cure for pedophelia. NONE. there is no medication. There is no amount of repentance that takes away their desires. There is nothing but the law to stop them, or death. And since it is in our humanity to incarcerate and not kill sexual predators, then the law must be enforced. The part of the equation that gets missed, and furthers the pain of the victims is when the law is not enforced, or given the opportunity to do so.
If you get the feeling something's wrong, or just not right; if at any time a child has the courage to tell you that something is wrong, or not right, the authorities should be called. no question. no doubt. no second guessing. Pedophiles come in every shape, size, denomination, class, color, creed, breed, and race. It could be your cousin, your brother, your sister, your mayor, your home teacher, your bishop, your priest, your pastor, your neighbor, your life long friend. It could be any one, any time, any where.
Any child who can tell you that something has happened, needs help. Any child that is out of sorts and can not find the words to tell you what has happened, needs help.
My friend, and millions of men and women in the world, is (are) living to see their victimizers go forth in the world spreading their poison. They have to live with it and see it, and can do nothing because the statute of limitations has run out, and no one believes them now. Where were these adults in their childhoods? Where were their protectors then? Where were the leaders to hold those victimizers accountable? and just as importantly where are they now?
If i compared this to drunk driving.. we would all agree that a person who has had alcohol is committing a crime by taking their keys and driving a vehicle. How about the person that gave them their keys? Are they not accountable for not preventing the likely injury and/or homicide to follow? Or how about murders with illegal weapons. Certainly we hold the person who fired the weapon responsible for murder, but what of the accountability for those that did not run the back ground check, before they took the money and put a weapon in their hands?
It all boils down to choice. Forgive or don't. Grow up or don't. Report it or don't.
And every choice has a consequence, and one choice does not negate another. A person who is forgiven, still has to pay for their crime, or justice is not served. A person who serves their time, will still need to repent, or mercy can not be served, and change will not happen.
If you choose not to protect the defenseless, you choose to allow sin, and vain ambition, and pain to rain down upon our planet. If you choose to let the offender walk away with out remorse or justice, then you choose to allow generations of untold victims, in a cycle of betrayal, pain, abuse, and torture.
The woes of this world were not caused by one man. The woes of this world were caused by men and women who stand by and watch, and choose to do nothing.
It is not my place to judge, or to punish, of that i am well aware. That place is God's, and His alone. But in the mean time, more suffering occurs. suffering that could have been prevented. To my friend's mother, bishop, home teacher, school teachers, and family; Shame on you. Shame on you for not listening to her. Shame on you for furthering her pain. Shame on you for being ignorant and selfish. Shame on you for taking a man's word for it, instead of calling the police and allowing them to investigate for the truth. Shame on you. Shame on you for not protecting the helpless. Shame on you for taking the easy route, and allowing peer fear to affect your choices. Shame on you for making a child feel like garbage, worthless, dirty, unloved and unwanted.
Shame on you. You could have prevented it. You chose.
To my friends (who i'm sure will read this eventually) I love you. You each are one of many men and women who have suffered, and continue to do so. I hope that my words are solace to you, that they bring some amount of relief, of affirmation.
To those of my friends who were never victims, i beg of you to stand up for those who were. it is never a child's fault. IT IS NEVER A CHILD'S FAULT! And someday that child will be an adult, what kind of adult they become is up to us. Will we protect them, guide them, and prove the goodness of humanity to them? Or will we shun them, feed them to the monsters, and tell them to chin up and deal with it?
To those of my friends who are in leadership positions; the law is on your side, use it! Call DHS, CPS, The local Police, The anonymous hotlines, what ever it takes until someone listens, and investigates. CALL SOMEONE! if you are a teacher, a bishop, a pastor, a neighbor, if you are an adult who has presence in the life of a child, and you choose to ignore the signs, you are choosing to allow pain, you are choosing to put the desires of an adult over the needs of a child. No one wants to be embarrassed... too bad. No one wants to be the one who calls it in if they're wrong - but guess what ? If you are even thinking about it - you are probably right.
IT IS NEVER THE CHILD'S FAULT. CALL SOMEONE. CHOOSE TO PROTECT.
